Jonah’s Blog

So, it’s been a while since I’ve made it to the blog, but as you know, I just

finished moving. The Internet at my new apartment just got turned on

Thursday. Time Warner sucks.

I’ve been anxious to tell you all about the tenant who lived here before

I moved in. Her name is Ellis Dixon. She is a women’s clothing designer and

a thoughtless bitch.

I came by the place the day before I moved in, to get the keys from her

as she packed her shit to go. At that point she seemed all right, pretty

friendly, kind of hot. We spoke briefly. I went back to my place and cleaned.

Not so for her.

The next day the place was empty of her shit but still decorated with her filth,

a year’s worth of it. The floors were covered with a layer of dried dirt,

coats of footprints. There were dust bunnies in the corners and along the

floor moldings, proving that she did not do so much as a cursory sweeping.

The kitchen cabinets were dusted with crumbs from a year of food storage.

The refrigerator was painted on the outside with a grey film and inside were

the dried and crusty remnants of whatever she had spilled over the past 365 days.

It reminded me of a college apartment I had and that we called “The Dump.”

The place took hours and hours, over two days, to clean. And in the refrigerator,

like a kick in the balls, was one Corona and a note. “J-Dog, Welcome to the

‘Hood. Hope all your days here are Corona days.” How could anyone be so

brazenly oblivious? She should have left a case of Miller, to symbolize the

hard work I had ahead of me. It was like a brownfield in there.

I’ll never buy a dress from Ellis Dixon.

It looks great now, and it is safe to say that under my watch the flat

will never become as polluted as it did under hers, slob that I am.