Jonah’s Blog

Lately it seems like I see more and more street preachers and evangelicals passing out fliers and pamphlets around Downtown Brooklyn. And I’ve noticed that all these assholes are Christian. I am sick of it and am considering my own type of evangelism, to spread the good word about atheism.

You’ll see me on the corner shouting, “Don’t repent! The end is not near!”

Maybe some days I’ll alter it a little. “Oil is running low, and there is no God waiting to welcome you to Cloud City when you choke to death on the fumes of your own SUV.”

Or how about, “Accept yourself as your personal savior.”

I’ll point out signs, like natural disasters, which strike indiscriminately, sending no message from God, except that nobody is safe. As examples I’ll show pictures of upturned trailer parks in Kansas, flooded streets in New Orleans, and washed-out villages in Thailand. If there is any pattern at all, it’s that natural disasters strike people of all faiths, which I’ll use as proof that if there is a God, He wants us to be atheists.

Just think of the benefits of a grassroots evangelical atheism movement. We could get scientists and secular humanists on board too.

In fact, scientists should all be required to do missionary work before they can get their doctorates. Send them to places with excessive godliness, like Kansas, where they can chastise themselves while proclaiming the merits and truth of evolution and cosmology.

“The end is coming!” They’ll shout from street corners in Topeka, standing on broken glass and wearing placards with pictures of the earth from space. “In several billion years the sun will expand into a massive red giant, swallowing the inner planets whole and scorching earth beyond recognition! We will all be dead by then.”

They can hand out pamphlets with those pictures of the Milky Way that have an arrow and the words, “You are here.” I see tables with pictures of man’s secular accomplishments, like the Great Wall of China, the Empire State Building, and Mount Rushmore.

Christians will pelt them with fruit. Some may get killed. But then science – and with it atheism and secular humanism – will have a few martyrs to point to. People we can get behind in an entirely secular way.

“Don’t forget the sacrifices of doctoral candidates who died in the Great Plains states so you could study science.”

Born-Again Atheists will run for Congress on platforms of getting the 10 Commandments away from courthouses and schools.

It’s a grand vision, I know, but one we can accomplish with a little help from ourselves.

So, how do you like my new blog? My cousin Christopher Collareta helped me set it up. He is a great web designer, and a Very Cool Dude for sure. You can check out his myspace page by checking my “Other Very Cool People” link.

Now people can finally comment on my blogs. I expect posting after posting of hate mail to start arriving any day now. Just keep it clean, asshole. Kids read this shit.

My cell phone contract is expiring this month, and with so many new phones out

there, I’ve been checking out the deals the various phone companies will give me to

switch. Ideally, I’d get a sharp new phone and roughly the same shitty deal I now get

with Verizon. But no. The deals get even shittier.

No phone companies will give me a free - or even severely discounted - phone

unless I sign up for two years. Now here is something I just can’t understand: how

can a company tell you something is worth $300, if they are willing to give it to you

for free, or $30, for jumping through the right hoops? Either it’s worth $300 or $30,

and no matter how you look at it, we are getting ripped off.

So if you sign up for one year, the phone is $300, and if you sign up for two years the

phone is $80, before the $50 rebate that they’ll mail in for you and have deducted

from your next bill. Why not just make it $30?

And why must you sign up for two years, or one year, for that matter? That answer is

easy. Because the deals they offer you suck, and they know that you would leave in

search of a better one if you had the chance.

But there is more to it. Sprint, for instance, offers different plans if you sign up for

two years than if you only take one. So if you agree to give them more money, they’ll

give you a better deal. Whatever happened to letting the markets dictate themselves?

In a fair and open market, we would give the companies more money for giving us a

better deal. If the phone company provided the best service at the best price, we’d all

sign up and stay with that company for two, three, or five years. Maybe all our lives.

Nobody likes to change phone companies; it is an inconvenience. It costs money and

takes time - at least now we can take our phone numbers with us.

Just like the phone companies required a law to allow us to keep our cell numbers

when we switched carriers, I think they require a law here too. It’s a shame, but they

can’t run a monopoly fairly.

The current system stifles competition. Ultimately, it is much more difficult for a

new company to break into the market if everyone has to wait one to two years to

even try it out. It also makes people less likely to try out a new brand. Who wants to

sign up with a no-name company for two years?

I’m calling on someone in Congress to propose a bill that would end mandatory cell

phone contracts and force the phone companies to offer the same deals and plans to

all customers - whether they sign up for one year, two years or month to month.

Where did these one-and two-year contracts come from anyway? Before cell phones

it was all monthly, and the phone companies made money hand over fist.

So let’s do it folks. Want my vote Hillary? Do something for it.